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What a week this has been.  I just met with some friends last night and told them about how things were going good, “no problems here!” and then – WHAM! – today happened.  Back to crazy cursing screaming lady, slamming things and scaring the children.  I’m so proud.  Clearly this insane side of me that I thought I was getting rid of is just lurking unnoticed right beneath the surface.  The day is done, I have been sitting calmly at the computer for entirely too long now, and I can look back on the day and say, with certainty, that Satan was having fun with me today.  My question is, why couldn’t I notice that while it was happening and tell him ever so gently to back the hell off?  I am fully aware in the midst of my tantrum that it is wrong, ugly, hurtful to the children, and yet I can’t stop myself.  And because I like to really kick myself when I am down, I begin to think…”Why in the world would you want to adopt more children? You can’t handle yourself with two!  What are you going to do when there’s more?  Have even more days like this?”  I know this line of thinking is no good.  But I think it anyway.  And it lingers.  Still there.  DO I really need to add to my family?

I obviously need to seek the Lord in this.  It makes me laugh (and cringe at the same time) to realize I haven’t read my Bible the past 2 nights (been up late, no good excuse)…really, is that all it takes to make me crash?  TWO DAYS???  Mercy, am I weak.   The joy of the Lord was not my strength today.  My fault, not His.  I faltered.  But oh so lucky for me, His mercies are new every morning.  I get to start again tomorrow!  Clean slate, baby.  I am ready.

I’m thinking about a Jars of Clay song. It has to do with dealing with sorrow, and how God’s mercy leads us through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy. I want to go to bed thinking of that…that He leads us to rivers of joy. Or, as in the Ginny Owens song, He never said it would be easy, He only said we’d never go alone. I’ve gotten a lot of bad news today. Or potential bad news. A good Christian man who lost his 2 year old son in an accident. Two friends who want to adopt desperately, who took a long trip to get their babies only to be told they may not get them at all. The next one isn’t nearly so close to the heart, but still sad to me…the death of Heath Ledger (I enjoyed some of his movies, and am very sad for his baby girl). Then, tonight, another phone call. The big thing I asked you to pray about may be taken out of our hands, the decision made for us not being the one we would have made. It is tough. I find myself at a loss for words….it saddens me to live in such a broken world, where sometimes nothing makes sense. Thank God He is in control, and it all makes sense to Him. I know much of it saddens Him, too, and I’m glad to know I can share emotions with Him.

Ha! It didn’t take long for me to stop posting daily! I have my reasons…exhausted evenings, not feeling well, but the biggest is a conversation I had with my friend Elizabeth, that I thought a lot about and even continued with my sister. We are very much a people who talk about surface things all the time…things that just really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. We discuss the weather and what we had for lunch, what we watched on tv last night and what the celebrities are doing. But the things that DO matter, like the state of our marriages, our parenting success, or our spiritual life, we keep quiet about. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with discussing the little things. It’s good to let loose and have fun. But I think we spend too much time talking about those things while neglecting the more important. So I haven’t posted some days just because I didn’t want to post for the sake of posting. I hope that makes sense. I enjoy having fun, and I like the posts I have already written that are pointless….I just don’t want to write them every day of the week.

Of course, lately I have not been posting for other reasons, and have had lots of good thoughts. I hope I can remember them all! My sister told me that she enjoys reading my blog, and that she doesn’t think it is dark at all! I thought that was funny…when I started the blog, I had had a pretty rough month….lots of dark days for me. I really did think that I would be writing a lot of ugly things, spewing out the trash that floats around in my head. However, I also started the blog at the same time that I started reading my Bible daily (still doing it!) and praying MOST mornings as soon as I get up. It truly does make a difference in my life. I won’t say everything is all roses now, because I still have my moments, but they are MUCH fewer and farther between. And I try not to dwell on them. Not to say I won’t ever post about them…I’m sure I will. Just as an example, I had a bad day Wednesday…pretty rough overall, and I was too tired to post about it that day. I’m not going to try to go back and relive it now just so I can preserve it. It happened, Thursday was better, end of story. I like this new facet of me. I hope it sticks around.

Last thing….I have a prayer request. Brian (my husband) and I have a VERY large decision to make in the near future. Please pray that we make the right one…that God will make it clear to us what to do. Thanks!