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I had an MRI yesterday.  They asked me if I was claustrophobic, and I said “I don’t think so.”  I was wrong.

They strapped me down to a board, put an IV in my arm, and told me that I needed to stay unmoving throughout the test.  They put headphones on me so they could give me instructions over the sound of the machine.  The tech said “It sounds like a jackhammer, I am not kidding.”  Then they raised up the board and started to slide me into the hole, the top of which was mere inches from my nose.  Enter claustrophobia.  I immediately closed my eyes, and thought, ok, I can NOT panic here, but I have to stay in here for how long?  Then comes the fun part.  She tells me to hold my breath.  Um, ok, does this sound like playing dead to anyone else?  Small enclosure, don’t move, don’t BREATHE????  The first several times I had to hold my breath, I failed to do it for the time they wanted.  It was so hard, being in that small space and wondering if there would even be air when I finally was able to release it and try to suck fresh air in.  Of course, there always was.

I quickly found out what my happy place was.  The mountains, specifically the creek on the property my family owns.  I pictured myself there, with the quiet waters of the creek flowing by.  Jumping rocks, watching the boys play, dipping my toes into the icy water.  It worked.  I made it through.  My visualization, and of course, God’s help.  I asked Him to get me through it, and He did.  I told Him I didn’t know how He fit in there with me, but He did.  No offense, God, but I’d rather not go through that again, even with You beside me. 

I got an email this morning telling me to breathe in every minute of my day, and recognize the gifts that I have…my children, my husband, all the toys I have to pick up, the clothes I have to fold. This is the latest in a series of messages I have received on this subject in recent days. I am trying to hard to really soak it in. To practice what I know to be true but find so hard to carry out. I know in my head that the little things don’t matter, but boy in the middle of them they sure rile me up. I went on a retreat this past weekend with the ladies at North Boulevard. The topic was Joy. I learned a lot, and reheard a lot of things I certainly needed to hear. I had also been asked to pray for a family who is struggling with a very sick child. She has spent her short life in and out of hospitals, and she is currently in. Her little life is being fought for valiantly, and I can tell by the many comments that she is being prayed for by many and has touched numerous lives. If you want to pray for her too and read her mother’s inspiring words, the site is http://www.ashleyadamsjournal.blogspot.com/.

It has made me cry, reading those posts. I am sad for them and what has to go on in this terrible world, and I am so sad that I can get so upset with my precious children. I prayed earnestly for those blessings. I cried out to God repeatedly, on my knees, to give me children. I wanted nothing more in life than to be a mother. I still don’t want more. But I get so frustrated by them sometimes. I don’t expect to be a saint…I know that is just human nature and we all will get upset at times. I just want to be able to have perspective on it. Yesterday Elijah was following me around and whining (in his usual way) and I said “I love you but you are so irritating!” I guess that is getting on the right track at least…giving voice to the love before the negative feelings.

Today is Valentine’s Day. The day we are supposed to express our feelings to those we cherish. I plan to have some fun with it, give flowers to people who won’t be expecting it and turn back time with my hubby. But I also plan to really let my boys know how very much their mother loves them. They are two true miracles in my life. I don’t want to ever forget that.

I have been convicted this week of the mediocrity of my life. I watched the AMAZING videos of Rick Burgess speaking at his own 2-year-old son’s funeral. He spoke of how we are so often easily defeated…we walk this pathetic walk with the Lord, just hoping we’ll get into heaven when the time comes. He challenged us, ME, to toughen up…to give God all I’ve got, because He gave me all He had. And then I can walk into heaven expecting some treasure! I would encourage everyone to go watch the videos…they are at rickandbubba.com.

Then I read a great quote from Henri Nouwen: “As long as we have only a vague inner feeling of discontent with our present way of living, and only an indefinite desire for “things spiritual,” our lives will continue to stagnate in a generalized melancholy. We often say, “I am not very happy. I am not content with the way my life is going. I am not really joyful or peaceful, but I just don’t know how things can be different, and I guess I have to be realistic and accept my life as it is.” It is this mood of resignation that prevents us from actively searching for the life of the Spirit.”

This really hit me hard…this is exactly the way I have been living. I recently started meeting with some friends to talk about our lives and hold each other accountable for our goals, encourage one another, etc. So far I have either complained about what is wrong with my life or talked about how nothing is really “bad”, but also not as good as it should be. Just as Nouwen said, I am not happy, content, or joyful. But I am also not trying to change it. I say I want to do better, yet each week I tell my friends that nothing has changed. I am making no effort. I don’t understand this. I DO want things to change. I don’t want to live a life of mediocrity, resigned to just get by. I don’t want to settle. But it scares me that I don’t know how. I really don’t know what to do. I have tried so many times and been defeated over and over.

Lord, please show me what to do. I want to change my life. I want to be joyful, content, and giving You my all.