Wow….a very small thing happened to me today, and it is looming very large in my mind. Our church youth group has worked over the past several months to raise money for a young lady in the Make-a-Wish foundation. This little girl with leukemia wished to be a princess for a day. We are making that dream come true for her tonight. We’ve paid for a trip to Disney World, where she will get to be a princess for a day, but we also are having a huge ball for her tonight where she WILL be a princess. Lots of people will be in costume as princes, princesses, and the like. I have looked forward to this with SUCH anticipation. I’ve called and emailed friends to find a tiara. I had my outfit planned out to the letter. I even came up with an alternative hairstyle when a tiara could not be secured. Yesterday I went to the nail salon and got a pedicure and manicure, a lovely pink to match my gown.
This morning, as I herded the boys to the car for church, I found out the car would not start. So I had to face the fact that we may not get to go to the ball. But thanks to our AWESOME HERO and favorite mechanic, Brian was able to get it working again. So I raced to the bedroom. Curled my princess hair. Went to the attic to get my gown. Pulled it on. There was about 6 inches of space between the hook and the eye. Uh-oh. Pulled out the alternative gown. Brian managed to get this one zipped, but it was NOT a pretty picture. I looked like a sad woman trying to squeeze into her 20 year old prom dress. Bulges where they shouldn’t be, fabric bunched up….you get the picture. My heart is wounded. I feel silly for not checking this before. Surely any sane person accepts the fact that she won’t always fit into the clothes she did when she was younger. The backup dress I wore in a wedding the same year I got married. It is 10 years old. The other one, however, the one I had planned to wear all along, is only 4 years old. I wore it in my sister’s wedding AFTER I had had Noah. So my body had already changed from childbirth. I know, I have had another child since then. I just really didn’t think that this particular dress would be too small.
So what’s the big deal? People outgrow their clothes. It happens. Deal with it. Only, for me, I am seeing the loss of being a princess. I was SOOOO excited about dressing up for tonight. I was going to be a princess. I long to be one. And I don’t feel like one. I don’t feel like I deserve to be one. I don’t feel like anyone sees me that way. If I lost my shoe, I think it would just wind up in the garbage. No one would come looking for me. Obviously, I have no idea if this is true. It is just how I feel inside. I feel like outgrowing my clothes means that I have outgrown that time to be a princess. Like it is too late for me. And that makes me sad. Really sad.
Noah came into the room after I was dressed and said “Mom, you’re supposed to be dressed like a princess!!!” I said “I know buddy. None of Mommy’s princess clothes fit anymore.” I felt like adding “I guess it is my time to be the fairy godmother, or the evil stepmother.” I know I already said this, but…wow. It hurts to not be a princess, even if it is for pretend.
