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I had a rough morning.  It’s hard to get kiddos ready for church on a Sunday morning without Daddy.  I’ve kind of gotten into a swing of things, though, and I’ve been doing pretty good with it.  But we got a puppy this week.  I haven’t gotten a decent night’s sleep since Tuesday.  The dog has been getting me up every morning around 5 or 5:30 and also being rambunctious enough to wake Elijah that early as well.  This has obviously prevented any kind of quiet time with God for 4 days now.  Not good.

This morning, we got up super early.  The dog peed in the floor.  The child whined nonstop.  Mommy lost her temper.  The dog chewed on some receipts, a paper bag, and Elijah’s cowboy vest.  The kiddos fought.  Mommy lost her temper.  The dog barked and whined.  The children constantly interrupted Mommy getting ready.  Mommy lost her temper.  Sense a trend?  Finally, everyone was ready to go.  15 minutes to spare!  Then Mommy stepped in another pee spot.  The dog got sent outside.  I had a wardrobe problem and had to change.  Elijah pooped in his pants.  We had to fight to get the dog in the crate.  Now we left for church 5 minutes late! Wonderful.

Managed class with no problems.  Skipped church because for some reason I didn’t feel much like worshipping.  Or wrestling my children during the service.  So Brian took us out to lunch.  This was a big deal, because we’ve really had to tighten the purse strings lately.  This is the first time we have eaten out this month.  So lunch was good.  Brian puts us all in the van (he’s going to stay at church all day because he has to be there for evening services and it will save gas) and tells the boys to be extra good because Mommy is having a rough day.  To put it mildly.

Within 5 minutes of heading home, Elijah drops his cup.  The lid pops off and spills water, ice, and lemon slices all over the back floorboard.  Uh-oh.  Mommy has a slight temper tantrum, about how we’re supposed to be having a better day and it’s not working.  Elijah then proceeds to fall asleep.  I have a little trouble with that myself, slapping my legs and face occasionally to keep from drifting off.    I forgot to mention the breaking of sunglasses this morning, so I’m having to squint and that doesn’t help the sleepiness.  We get home and I find that Elijah apparently spilled half his drink on himself before he dropped it in the floor.  I have to change him.  This wakes him up fully.  I take the dog out of the crate and let her outside.  We get everyone settled down, and I put Elijah in my bed to nap (because he asked).  While I am in the bathroom, the dog pees in the floor.  I clean it up, then settle her in the bed to nap with us so there will be no more accidents.  She won’t be still.  I finally decide I can’t take it because I REALLY want to nap, so I take her out of the bedroom.  Where I find another pee spot.  I clean that up.  I get back in bed.  Elijah is quiet just long enough for me to drift off, then he gets in my face and starts talking.  I get up, take him to his own bed.  Go back to bed.  Drift off to sleep again.  Wake to a large crash and screaming.  Elijah has tried to climb the dresser in the bedroom and it has toppled on him.  He is scared but unhurt.  I put him back in the bed and leave the giant mess (including Noah’s ceramic tooth holder which is broken in several pieces) so I can go back to bed.  Within 2 minutes Noah is opening the door to Elijah’s room.  His pants are wet “somehow.”  I go and get him clean shorts.  I block the hallway so the dog can’t get down it and can only pee in the living room, where Noah can see her and hopefully stop her.  I lay down AGAIN.  How many times is that?   Five.  Within about 30 minutes here, people.  I think this time I got to sleep about 5 or 10 minutes before Noah and Elijah started arguing and Noah knocked on my door asking for a snack.  I get up and put Elijah back in his bed.  In the living room I step over the hallway barricade into a pee spot.  Nice.  I put the dog outside.  Decide a nap is just not going to happen.  Put some laundry out on the clothesline.  Start another load of dog laundry (stuff we’ve cleaned up so many pee spots with).  Why am I doing laundry on Sunday?  Isn’t it supposed to be a day of rest????  Elijah comes out of his room.  He’s poopy.  Goes outside before I can change him, plays a few minutes, then comes back in with his diaper almost falling off and stuff running down his legs.  Off to the bath.  I leave him in there to play, and go into the living room to straighten up (I can hear him and the bathroom is very close, please don’t think I am leaving my child to potentially drown).  I hear screaming.  Go into the bathroom to find he has emptied the very large bottle of baby wash into the tub, on his head, and in his eyes.  I rinse him off good, get him out, and add baby wash to the shopping list.

Can this day possibly get any better?  I am still waiting to see.  It’s only been 3 hours since we got home.   But hey, only an hour and a half to bedtime.  Surely I can make it????

I’ve been running myself ragged lately.  I feel like I have gotten lost in life again.  A friend asked me yesterday why I was having a hard time, and I realized as I told him that I am in one of those places I have been before….just a few short steps from a depression.  I SO don’t want to go there again.  So I am fighting it so hard right now.  I’m just trying to get a grasp on everything.  And yet, spiritual experts tell me I should let it go.  Release it to God and rely on His strength.  Where is the balance?  How do I let it go and still get it done?  I know there are things I am doing that don’t HAVE to get done….but a lot of them do.  Especially the stuff related to school.  Man, if I don’t do that stuff I really will go crazy.  But all the rest seems important too.  I’ve been told lately (by various sources) how to be a better wife, how to be a better mother, how to be a better Christian example, how to have a conversational intimacy with God, how to watch out for any spiritual strongholds in my life, how to journal my prayer life, how to memorize scripture, how to be a good friend, here are some more Bible studies to join, you haven’t visited your family in too long, and hey, you REALLY need to read these 20 AMAZING books that everyone else has read.  IT’S CRAZY!  Where do people find time to do it all?  How do I take care of my family the way I am supposed to when I am trying every minute to remember HOW I’m supposed to be doing it?  Or feeling guilty because I should be spending more time with God?  I am just at a complete loss.  I’d try surrendering it but I just don’t have time!  Ha ha.  Trying so hard not to hate myself.  I really am.  I hate it when I do this.  Not enough….always not enough.  The story of my life.  The agreement I have made.  And I can’t unmake it because I believe it is true.  What a mess.

Brian’s and my 10th anniversary was Friday.  He surprised me with a big day of pampering – massage, manicure, pedicure, haircut, lunch out, and ice cream!- then surprised me again when I got home with a party!  We had a house full of people and a yard full too!  It was so much fun and I was so pleased to see old friends and new ones!

I am ashamed to admit, however, that after everyone left that night I looked around at my little house with mismatched furniture and really bad carpet…..I was a little embarrassed.  I actually said that I hated that people saw our “entertainment center” which is an end table covered with a dvd player, vcr, tapes, dvds, and rabbit ears antenna.  Brian, of course, quickly reminded me that they were there to see us, not our house, and this is just how life is for us at the moment and they can deal with it.  I knew he was right.  But I also know that that has been a hang-up for me at our church.  I often compare myself to the people there, who are overwhelmingly wealthy, with large, nice houses and beautiful decor, vacation homes and nice cars.  Not that I aspire to have those things, I REALLY don’t, but I still feel like I am not good enough to hang around these people.  And, yes, I am aware that that is my own faulty thinking….I place no blame whatsoever on the people I go to church with.  Especially the wonderful ones who showed up at my party because they consider me a friend!!!

So there is a point to this story….I was reading a blog of another homeschooling mom this morning, and she had a beautiful poem in it.  It spoke to me very loudly, and I almost started crying.  I needed to be reminded of my treasures.   This is one of those moments when I can just clearly see God reaching out to me.  He saw what I needed and He provided it.  He is so good!

TREASURES

Some folks I know,
when friends drop in

To visit for a while and chin,
Just lead them round the rooms and halls

And show them pictures on their walls,
And point to rugs and tapestries,
The works of men across the seas;
Their loving cups they show with pride,
To eyes that soon are stretching wide
With wonder at the treasures rare
That have been bought and gathered there.
But when folks come to call on me,
I’ve no such things for them to see.
No picture on my walls is great;
I have no ancient family plate;
No tapestry of rare design
Or costly woven rugs are mine;
I have no loving cup to show,
Or strange and valued curio;
But if my treasures they would see,
I beg them softly follow me.
And then I lead them up the stairs
Through trains and cars and Teddy bears,
And to a little room we creep
Where both my youngsters lie asleep,
Close locked in one anothers’ arms.
I let them gaze upon their charms,
I let them see the legs of brown
Curled up beneath a sleeping gown,
And whisper in my happiness:
“Behold the treasures I possess.”

by Edgar A. Guest

I recently went on a very fun journey to my old stomping grounds.  I spent a day in the town I grew up in, Cameron, Missouri.  I also spent a few days in Bentonville, Arkansas, where I lived for my 9th through 11th grade years.  It was an adventure for me.  I hadn’t been back to Cameron since probably 1991.  It was somewhere I had always wanted to go back to.  It represents childhood to me.  We moved around a lot growing up.  I lived in probably 25 different places by the time I was 10 years old.  But we stayed in Cameron for 6 years, longer than anywhere else I lived growing up.  I have lived in my current home for 8 years, so that is the new record for me!    We did, however, live in 3 different houses while we were in Cameron!  And I was able to remember where all of them were, and drive by and take pictures.  I visited some old friends, who treated me like family, as did their parents who also remembered me and embraced me as their own.  It felt so nice!  It definitely made me want to go back again.  And soon.  Hey, tickets to Kansas City are pretty cheap on Southwest!

Bentonville was fun too.  I got to tour all the new growth areas and still drive by my old hangouts.  I ate lunch at Mazzio’s, my after school workplace there.  I LOVED that place, and the pizza is still fantastic.  I got to see old friends at my 15 year high school reunion.  I also saw many familiar faces at church the next morning.  The highlight for me was getting to hug the neck of one of my Christian mentors.  I told her she’s always one of my examples when I have to tell about my Christian walk, and she said she was proud of me.

I wish I could describe better how good it felt to take that trip.  I missed my family, of course, but it was truly a homecoming for me and it made me look at life in a different light.  Now I am back in the future for me.  I can see where I was then and where I am now.  I’ve grown a lot in every area of my life (including physically, HA!) and I’m pretty proud of me too.