Archive for September, 2008

Hit me with your best shot!

{ September 12, 2008 @ 9:22 am } · { Life }
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Wednesday was a really bad day.  I mean, another one like the last I blogged about…we never got around to doing school, Elijah had a major bowel explosion that required bathing and a powerful sprayer, he emptied an entire bottle of shampoo in said bath while I was cleaning up another mess, then later as I curled up with a bowl of cereal for supper, he knocked it out of my hands into the carpet…and onto the neighbor’s mail that got delivered to our box that day…Anyway, I spent a very long time crying that evening.  Even while I made Noah’s supper.  I was so sad.  Brian was so good to me when he got home.  Just hugged me and told me we could talk about it when I was ready.  I told him I wasn’t sure I was capable of doing it all.  Honestly, I don’t think anyone is capable of doing everything I am expected to do in a day.  But I give it my best and most days I get a good variety accomplished and what I miss I can hit the next day.  Anyway….I digress….

Yesterday was AWESOME!  I woke up with new resolve and just said “Satan, you are NOT going to get me down!”  I started reading the Beth Moore book “Get Out of That Pit” and doing the 40 day journal that goes with it a few days ago.  I think that is why Satan attacked me so hard on Wednesday.  I’ve got some good stuff going on.  A real strong light at the end of the tunnel.  And he doesn’t like it.  Too freaking bad.    In the immortal words of Pat Benatar…

“You don’t fight fair, but that’s ok, see if I care.

Knock me down it’s all in vain

I get right back on my feet again.”

“I can see You running after me”

{ September 10, 2008 @ 2:07 pm } · { Finding God }
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I have always loved the 98th Psalm, especially verse 8:   Let the rivers clap their hands, Let the mountains sing together for joy.  I just love to visualize something like that.  I love to sit by the creek at my grandmother’s property in the mountains and watch it and listen.  It sounds joyful to me, like laughter or singing.  Or maybe that is applause!  This morning as I sat outside attempting quiet time (the dog now makes that impossible…she rubs up against me, licks me, jumps on me, etc.), a nearly naked tree in the field behind our house clapped its hands.  A gentle breeze blew through it, rattling the leaves.  It sounded JUST like applause.  I so loved that.  God spoke to me even in my lack of concentration.   Which leads me to my blog title.  One of my favorite Shaun Groves songs is “See You.”  The chorus is:  I can see you looking back at me, trying to get through to the heart of me.  And I can see you running after me, trying to break through what’s distracting me.  And I can see you.  I can see you.

I am going to try to use a song lyric for all of my titles from now on.  If possible.  My blog title is another Shaun Groves song.  Music has ALWAYS been an intricate, defining part of my life.  So that’s one way I’m going dig up the old me.

“and I’ve made up my mind…I ain’t wasting no more time…”

{ September 8, 2008 @ 8:53 pm } · { Life }
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Well, I finally did it.  After suggestions from many friends and family over the past couple of years, I made an appointment and went to speak to a counselor.  It was good.  It helps that it is a woman I already know and love.  In the course of two sessions she has already helped me to see some things about my life I’ve never seen before.  She’s also helped me to feel like there is really hope.  I have always avoided professional help because I felt like I wasn’t “that bad” off…I could still get by and things always got better after a while.  I could do it.  The thing was, sure, things got better.  But better than terrible still isn’t all that great.  I have lost my joy somewhere.  I used to have and be so much fun.  I would laugh until I cried, dance in public, and just generally have a good time no matter where I was or what I was doing.  But then something changed.  I am not even sure what it was.  But I accepted that…I made an AGREEMENT that I wasn’t really a fun person.  I had just been immature.  Now I am a grown up, a mother, and we just don’t act that way.  But that isn’t true.  I can still be fun.  It is in me somewhere.  I just have to find it.  I truly believe that I will, with the help of my counselor.

I was filling out some of the paperwork yesterday and one of the questions was “What do you like best about yourself?”  I thought about it and couldn’t answer.  I kept going back to it.  All afternoon.  What do I like best about myself?  Do I like anything at all about myself?  I am not sure.  That makes me so sad I can’t even describe it.  I don’t think I like anything about myself.  Holy crow.  I can name things I like about the old me.  Maybe I just need to put those.  I don’t know.  I do know that I am likable.  Other people like me.  Or they lie.  HA HA!!

My friend Elizabeth posted on her blog (I have no idea how to make her name be a different color and link to her blog…I am sure I could figure it out but don’t want to take the time right now.  She’s on my blogroll.) today about learning to love yourself.   Where to start?  How to begin?  I don’t have an answer, obviously.  But it is clearly a common problem.  She had several comments and none of them were advice.   It was all people saying “Hey, I have this problem too.  If you figure out an answer let me know.”  I thought that was interesting.  I have lots of ideas.  My most-used answer (just ask Elizabeth!) is to read a book.  I have LOTS of books that can address this issue.  I am starting one today.  I have about 3 more lined up to try next.  I know it has to do with realizing your identity in Christ and knowing how much He loves you.  It’s the implementation of that that gets me.  All I can say is, I want it.  I’m going to become a seeker.  I am going to do everything in my power to get it.  For me, for my children, for my husband.  They deserve to know the old me.  The one I liked.