Well, I finally did it. After suggestions from many friends and family over the past couple of years, I made an appointment and went to speak to a counselor. It was good. It helps that it is a woman I already know and love. In the course of two sessions she has already helped me to see some things about my life I’ve never seen before. She’s also helped me to feel like there is really hope. I have always avoided professional help because I felt like I wasn’t “that bad” off…I could still get by and things always got better after a while. I could do it. The thing was, sure, things got better. But better than terrible still isn’t all that great. I have lost my joy somewhere. I used to have and be so much fun. I would laugh until I cried, dance in public, and just generally have a good time no matter where I was or what I was doing. But then something changed. I am not even sure what it was. But I accepted that…I made an AGREEMENT that I wasn’t really a fun person. I had just been immature. Now I am a grown up, a mother, and we just don’t act that way. But that isn’t true. I can still be fun. It is in me somewhere. I just have to find it. I truly believe that I will, with the help of my counselor.
I was filling out some of the paperwork yesterday and one of the questions was “What do you like best about yourself?” I thought about it and couldn’t answer. I kept going back to it. All afternoon. What do I like best about myself? Do I like anything at all about myself? I am not sure. That makes me so sad I can’t even describe it. I don’t think I like anything about myself. Holy crow. I can name things I like about the old me. Maybe I just need to put those. I don’t know. I do know that I am likable. Other people like me. Or they lie. HA HA!!
My friend Elizabeth posted on her blog (I have no idea how to make her name be a different color and link to her blog…I am sure I could figure it out but don’t want to take the time right now. She’s on my blogroll.) today about learning to love yourself. Where to start? How to begin? I don’t have an answer, obviously. But it is clearly a common problem. She had several comments and none of them were advice. It was all people saying “Hey, I have this problem too. If you figure out an answer let me know.” I thought that was interesting. I have lots of ideas. My most-used answer (just ask Elizabeth!) is to read a book. I have LOTS of books that can address this issue. I am starting one today. I have about 3 more lined up to try next. I know it has to do with realizing your identity in Christ and knowing how much He loves you. It’s the implementation of that that gets me. All I can say is, I want it. I’m going to become a seeker. I am going to do everything in my power to get it. For me, for my children, for my husband. They deserve to know the old me. The one I liked.
Tamara Cosby Said:
on September 8, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I love you. I love you. I love you! And I understand and know you can do it!
Mandy Said:
on September 9, 2008 at 5:31 am
Yay!! I’m so proud of you for loving yourself, your husband, and your children enough to step out on faith and to make things better. It has taken all of the power I have inside of me to love myself again (which I had not done since I was 13). After everything I put my family through a year ago, it’s taken a lot of forgiveness and hard work to let myself love me. But I did it. I still have a long way to go but I’m getting there. And you will too!
Charis Said:
on September 9, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I’d like to give you one thing to put on your list of things to like about yourself-you are courageous! It really does take a lot of courage to do what you are doing. Taking a good look at yourself and asking the hard questions then making the effort to change are not easy things to do but it is necessary. Someday you will be able to look back on these times and thank God for what you have been through because this is what will draw you closer to Him. Then you will be able to help other women who struggle with the same issues. You see, the devil wants us to think we are all alone and that we are the worst of the worst but it is not true. As long as he can keep us believing that we become stuck, consumed and isolated and as long as we are in this condition we see no hope. Dare not to believe the lies of the enemy and look to God for the Truth. No, i am not quite there myself ,but praise God, He is patient with me, He loves me and He loves you too. Listen to what He has to say about you and who you are. Then you will see the beautiful person you are because you are His.
Joanna Said:
on September 9, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I wish I had your “fight”. You have always been a fighter when it comes to the things that are important to you. I feel like I spend most of my time giving up or stressing out to the point I’m physically sick. You are such a precious friend! I love you so much! Call me anytime!
Elizabeth S Said:
on September 10, 2008 at 7:54 am
Hi. So, I left this comment on your previous post, I got confused. I love you! I am praying for you. Hey. Maybe you should read a book about it? HA!!
Elizabeth S Said:
on September 10, 2008 at 7:55 am
Oh, and I totally agree with Charis, you should put courageous on your list!!