Treasures

{ August 3, 2008 @ 6:48 pm } · { Life }
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Brian’s and my 10th anniversary was Friday.  He surprised me with a big day of pampering – massage, manicure, pedicure, haircut, lunch out, and ice cream!- then surprised me again when I got home with a party!  We had a house full of people and a yard full too!  It was so much fun and I was so pleased to see old friends and new ones!

I am ashamed to admit, however, that after everyone left that night I looked around at my little house with mismatched furniture and really bad carpet…..I was a little embarrassed.  I actually said that I hated that people saw our “entertainment center” which is an end table covered with a dvd player, vcr, tapes, dvds, and rabbit ears antenna.  Brian, of course, quickly reminded me that they were there to see us, not our house, and this is just how life is for us at the moment and they can deal with it.  I knew he was right.  But I also know that that has been a hang-up for me at our church.  I often compare myself to the people there, who are overwhelmingly wealthy, with large, nice houses and beautiful decor, vacation homes and nice cars.  Not that I aspire to have those things, I REALLY don’t, but I still feel like I am not good enough to hang around these people.  And, yes, I am aware that that is my own faulty thinking….I place no blame whatsoever on the people I go to church with.  Especially the wonderful ones who showed up at my party because they consider me a friend!!!

So there is a point to this story….I was reading a blog of another homeschooling mom this morning, and she had a beautiful poem in it.  It spoke to me very loudly, and I almost started crying.  I needed to be reminded of my treasures.   This is one of those moments when I can just clearly see God reaching out to me.  He saw what I needed and He provided it.  He is so good!

TREASURES

Some folks I know,
when friends drop in

To visit for a while and chin,
Just lead them round the rooms and halls

And show them pictures on their walls,
And point to rugs and tapestries,
The works of men across the seas;
Their loving cups they show with pride,
To eyes that soon are stretching wide
With wonder at the treasures rare
That have been bought and gathered there.
But when folks come to call on me,
I’ve no such things for them to see.
No picture on my walls is great;
I have no ancient family plate;
No tapestry of rare design
Or costly woven rugs are mine;
I have no loving cup to show,
Or strange and valued curio;
But if my treasures they would see,
I beg them softly follow me.
And then I lead them up the stairs
Through trains and cars and Teddy bears,
And to a little room we creep
Where both my youngsters lie asleep,
Close locked in one anothers’ arms.
I let them gaze upon their charms,
I let them see the legs of brown
Curled up beneath a sleeping gown,
And whisper in my happiness:
“Behold the treasures I possess.”

by Edgar A. Guest

Back to the Future

{ August 3, 2008 @ 6:32 pm } · { Life }
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I recently went on a very fun journey to my old stomping grounds.  I spent a day in the town I grew up in, Cameron, Missouri.  I also spent a few days in Bentonville, Arkansas, where I lived for my 9th through 11th grade years.  It was an adventure for me.  I hadn’t been back to Cameron since probably 1991.  It was somewhere I had always wanted to go back to.  It represents childhood to me.  We moved around a lot growing up.  I lived in probably 25 different places by the time I was 10 years old.  But we stayed in Cameron for 6 years, longer than anywhere else I lived growing up.  I have lived in my current home for 8 years, so that is the new record for me!  :)   We did, however, live in 3 different houses while we were in Cameron!  And I was able to remember where all of them were, and drive by and take pictures.  I visited some old friends, who treated me like family, as did their parents who also remembered me and embraced me as their own.  It felt so nice!  It definitely made me want to go back again.  And soon.  Hey, tickets to Kansas City are pretty cheap on Southwest!

Bentonville was fun too.  I got to tour all the new growth areas and still drive by my old hangouts.  I ate lunch at Mazzio’s, my after school workplace there.  I LOVED that place, and the pizza is still fantastic.  I got to see old friends at my 15 year high school reunion.  I also saw many familiar faces at church the next morning.  The highlight for me was getting to hug the neck of one of my Christian mentors.  I told her she’s always one of my examples when I have to tell about my Christian walk, and she said she was proud of me.

I wish I could describe better how good it felt to take that trip.  I missed my family, of course, but it was truly a homecoming for me and it made me look at life in a different light.  Now I am back in the future for me.  I can see where I was then and where I am now.  I’ve grown a lot in every area of my life (including physically, HA!) and I’m pretty proud of me too.

A Christian in Poison???

{ July 23, 2008 @ 12:49 pm } · { Music }
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Brian called me while I was on my trip and told me the most awesome story. He got an email from one of his best friends, that he had received from one of HIS friends, whose uncle wrote the following blog. Confusing enough? He told me that C.C. DeVille of Poison has recently become a Christian. I swear, that is the coolest news I have gotten in a while. I had goosebumps and almost started crying. How cool would it be for God to use C.C. to reach all kinds of hearts in that industry? All these men who have literally lived out the “sex, drugs, and rock and roll” lifestyle for years….to turn their lives around and let them know how much God loves them. So exciting! I just had to share.

The blog post is at: Without Wax

Nothin’ but a good time

{ July 9, 2008 @ 1:50 pm } · { Music }
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Ah, the glory days.  Ripped jeans, knotted t-shirts, and big hair.  I’m sad to say that many of the people I saw last night are still living there.  I am well aware that I don’t, but it was FREAKING WICKED to go visit for a few hours!

A good friend of mine got free tickets to see Poison, Dokken, and Sebastian Bach (Skid Row lead singer) last night, and he invited me to come along.  We are about the only people we respectively know who still enjoy that kind of music.  I truly love it…I still listen to it quite frequently and even have a “hair band heaven” play list on my ipod.  Sebastian was…ok.  I did enjoy rocking out to “Youth Gone Wild” and feeling the irony of not even being close to a youth anymore.  Dokken was a surprise for me.  He still sings really good and I enjoyed them thoroughly.  Poison, well, they have always been my hands-down favorite glam rock band.  I’ve loved them since 1986 when I rushed to the store to buy “Look What the Cat Dragged In.”  This is either the third or fourth time I have seen them, and it was the best show of theirs I’ve seen.  Lots of pyrotechnics, fire, Bret dancing, and C.C. solos.  They also played lots of video, most of which I would rather have not seen (too many half-and fully- naked women), but some of which was clips of their old MTV music videos.  LOVED that!  I stayed up late a time or three to watch me some Headbanger’s Ball back in the day.

So there I was.  Dancing, clapping, singing “Don’t need nothing but a good time, and it don’t get better than this.”  At the moment, it felt true.  How could it get better than that?  Then I cradled my baby boy in my arms this morning after he bumped his head.  THIS is what is better.  Spending every moment with my children and not missing a thing.  Hearing Elijah FINALLY say “Eve oo.”  (I love you.)  Noah’s version was “Ah hadoo.”  Which is funny because “hadoo” also meant “yellow” and “yogurt.”  I so love these children.

I truly enjoyed that concert.  It is so nice to get out and relive the old days for a few hours.  It makes getting back to the present so much sweeter.

By the way, the people still living in the past gave me quite a few laughs.  And reminded me why spandex went out of style!  :)

This picture of me and Bret was taken after a concert in 2000,  not last night.

Update

{ June 16, 2008 @ 4:00 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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So, I’ve learned I have more than 4 readers (at least one in another state! Wow!), and I worry them when I write sad posts and then don’t ever post again to say things are better. So this post is for you guys. :)

I am doing much better. I can’t say circumstances have changed so much, because they really haven’t, but I am emotionally more able to handle things.  I appreciate all the love that was poured out on me after my last post, although again I want to reiterate that I did NOT write that to get people to feel sorry for me.  I am not depressed anymore.  I guess I won another round.  I can’t begin to hope that it will be the last one, but I’m ready again to take it on when the time comes.

Our house still hasn’t sold.  I’m trying every day to be ok with that.  I don’t hate living here, I really don’t.  This is our first home.  We bought it a little over a year after we got married.  We’ve lived here over 8 years.  We’ve brought both our boys from the hospital to this home.  It’s the only home they’ve ever known.  I think it is cozy and warm and a haven for all of us.  But if our family purpose, or at least my personal purpose, is to adopt/foster/raise many children, then I can’t do that here.  So this house has been outgrown by my mission.  It is stunting my purpose, if that makes any sense.  It makes sense to me anyway.  LOL

I’ve been trying to change my attitude about things.  Yeah, it’s a pain in the hiney to drive 30 minutes or more to get to church.  But there are thousands of people in this world who walk for hours to get to church, or can’t go at all because it is too far to walk.  I need to get over myself.  I have a nice, air-conditioned car that gets me there with no effort on my part.  My husband has a good job that he loves, and he is using that job to live his purpose.  He also allows me to stay at home and homeschool our son.  How amazing is that?  In fact, the ONLY 2 things I would ask for right now to make my life perfect is for 1.  Our house to sell., and 2. family to live closer.  Otherwise, there is not a darn thing I can complain about.  Which means I shouldn’t be complaining at all, if that’s all I’ve got.

I’m attending a class on Wednesday nights this summer at another church (Oh no!  Gasp! Horrors!), and it is based on the book “Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit.”  I am going to try so hard to drink this in, really learn from it, and live it out.  I am tired of not liking myself.  I can improve things.  I’ve already started.

So there you go.  Life for now…still waiting, but waiting in a better place emotionally.

House of Cards

{ May 10, 2008 @ 11:55 am } · { Life }
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I have spent a lot of time thinking over the past 2 days.  I am in a mild/moderate depression, so I generally don’t do anything except sit around and think.  I have come up with a good analogy for my life….it is like a house of cards.   Most of the time, things go wrong and a card falls but the main structure stays firm.  Then occasionally, something goes wrong and the card falls just the right way to tumble the entire thing.  I am mashed flat without even a foundation to stand on.  I just lie there, wondering how to rebuild or if I even want to.

So, I had a bad night Thursday night.  I honestly felt like I didn’t want to rebuild.  I am tired of rebuilding.  I am tired of fighting the unseen force in my life, and tired of wondering whether it is God or Satan I am fighting against.  Yesterday was a little better…we went out and had Mother’s Day lunch on a not-so-crowded Friday afternoon.  Then I got slammed again yesterday evening.  I was actually stupid enough to leave my purse in the buggy at Wal-Mart and got my wallet stolen.  So there goes ANY progress I had made during the day.  I am so tired of trying to fight against all this.  It is too much.  I am just one person, and frankly, I’m tired.  I’ve felt very numb for the past 20 hours or so.  I don’t know what to do with it.  I know I should try to do something, but I still just don’t want to.

I’m really not writing this to evoke sympathy in my 3 readers.  I just wanted to get my thoughts out.  Sometimes it helps.

Life List

{ May 3, 2008 @ 2:19 pm } · { Things I Want to Do }
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Brian and I started Life Lists a while ago…not sure exactly when, but we decided to actually write down the things we wanted to do during our lifetimes.   I like to make lists, and mark things off of lists, so this was a natural fit for me.  I actually bought Brian the book “No Opportunity Wasted” by Phil Keoghan (host of Amazing Race), which really breaks down the process and even gives you categories for your list.  Brian’s is posted on our family website, and mine is, well, in my head.  I had put it into my palm pilot, and then the palm pilot died.  So I wanted to resurrect it as best I could, and just add to it as I remember more things.  I only have a few at the moment, but I’m putting them down anyway.

1.  Run the ridge that Mel Gibson did in the movie “Braveheart”.

2.  See the butterflies in San Juan Capistrano.

3.  Swim with dolphins.

4.  Pet a zebra.

5.  Hang glide.

6.  Read all the books I own.

7.  Adopt a daughter.

8.  Adopt a child from another country.

9.  Visit the Holy Land.

10.  Witness the baptisms of all my children.

11.  Bring at least one person to the Lord.

12.  Home school my children.   (working on this one already!)

Questions

{ April 3, 2008 @ 7:25 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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This has been a week full of questions for me.  I feel like I am in such a weird place….I had so many things mapped out for my life in the next few months.  Many were turned upside down with the news of the twins.   I rolled with it,  though…if God had it in  His plan for me, I could handle it.  I started making new plans.  Lots of them.  It was fun.  Then I got the call that the twins weren’t to be.  What?  Everything with the twins had fallen into place so beautifully….I never doubted for a minute that they were from God.  His hands were all over it.  But were they?  Why did this happen, then?  Was it something else?  Was He (painfully) preparing me for something else?  I don’t know.  I am sure I will in time, but for now I am left wondering.

Life

{ March 18, 2008 @ 8:13 pm } · { Things I Want to Do }
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I can’t seem to find a happy medium in my life.  I’ve been going through quite a lot lately, and I started my blog to chronicle those kinds of things.  Yet here I am, barely posting more than a picture now and then.  I don’t know whether to quit entirely (I’ve been told recently that I tend to do that), make a commitment to post regularly, or continue as I am, just throwing something out there whenever I get a spare moment.  I’m going to have to think about it, when I have the time.  LOL!

So here’s the deal:  I’m honestly trying to make some changes.  I know, I’ve said that before.  I think it is to my credit that I keep trying, at least.  I refuse to just sit back and accept that I’m always going to fail.  I refuse to  give up on reaching at least a few of my impossibly high standards.  I know I am up for it.  I know I can do some of it.  I also know I can’t do all of it, and dang it that’s ok!

Things are going to get hairy around here very soon…for anyone out there who reads this and doesn’t already know, we are going to be adopting identical twin girls when they are born early this summer!  It is a very exciting thing, and also very intimidating.  I know my world is going to be rocked and so I want to make my changes now while I have the chance!  :)

Loving Father of mine, please guide me through all this.  You have put so much on my heart, so many things to work through and improve upon.  Please help me to do it.  Give me the strength, the patience, the joy.  Give me what I need, Lord.

A Princess No More

{ March 9, 2008 @ 3:14 pm } · { Life }
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Wow….a very small thing happened to me today, and it is looming very large in my mind.  Our church youth group has worked over the past several months to raise money for a young lady in the Make-a-Wish foundation.  This little girl with leukemia wished to be a princess for a day.  We are making that dream come true for her tonight.  We’ve paid for a trip to Disney World, where she will get to be a princess for a day, but we also are having a huge ball for her tonight where she WILL be a princess.  Lots of people will be in costume as princes, princesses, and the like.  I have looked forward to this with SUCH anticipation.  I’ve called and emailed friends to find a tiara.  I had my outfit planned out to the letter.  I even came up with an alternative hairstyle when a tiara could not be secured.  Yesterday I went to the nail salon and got a pedicure and manicure, a lovely pink to match my gown.
This morning, as I herded the boys to the car for church, I found out the car would not start.  So I had to face the fact that we may not get to go to the ball.  But thanks to our AWESOME HERO and favorite mechanic, Brian was able to get it working again.   So I raced to the bedroom.  Curled my princess hair.  Went to the attic to get my gown.  Pulled it on.  There was about 6 inches of space between the hook and the eye.  Uh-oh.  Pulled out the alternative gown.  Brian managed to get this one zipped, but it was NOT a pretty picture.  I looked like a sad woman trying to squeeze into her 20 year old prom dress.  Bulges where they shouldn’t be, fabric bunched up….you get the picture.   My heart is wounded.  I feel silly for not checking this before.  Surely any sane person accepts the fact that she won’t always fit into the clothes she did when she was younger.  The backup dress I wore in a wedding the same year I got married.  It is 10 years old.  The other one, however, the one I had planned to wear all along, is only 4 years old.  I wore it in my sister’s wedding AFTER I had had Noah.  So my body had already changed from childbirth.  I know, I have had another child since then.  I just really didn’t think that this particular dress would be too small.

So what’s the big deal?  People outgrow their clothes.  It happens.  Deal with it.  Only, for me, I am seeing the loss of being a princess.  I was SOOOO excited about dressing up for tonight.  I was going to be a princess.  I long to be one.  And I don’t feel like one.  I don’t feel like I deserve to be one.  I don’t feel like anyone sees me that way.  If I lost my shoe, I think it would just wind up in the garbage.  No one would come looking for me.  Obviously, I have no idea if this is true.  It is just how I feel inside.  I feel like outgrowing my clothes means that I have outgrown that time to be a princess.  Like it is too late for me.  And that makes me sad.  Really sad.

Noah came into the room after I was dressed and said “Mom, you’re supposed to be dressed like a princess!!!”  I said “I know buddy.  None of Mommy’s princess clothes fit anymore.”  I felt like adding “I guess it is my time to be the fairy godmother, or the evil stepmother.”  I know I already said this, but…wow.  It hurts to not be a princess, even if it is for pretend.

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